As we returned from BlogHer '12 in New York City, we pulled off the highway into our community and we were greated with a rainbow.
I had forgotten about it. It was just a photo among the hundreds of photos I've taken in the past two years. Then as we pulled off the highway last night, on our way home from BlogHer' 14, we were greeted by one of the most brilliant coloured rainbows I've seen in a long time. A feeling of deju vu washed over me.
I had a rough weekend. Flying gave me wicked vertigo and then I had horrible jet lag the entire trip and did not sleep. (I also had a totally unexpected asthma attack at the closing party. I am awesome.) Add in a quadruple dose of insecurity and you had one Karen with an inability to ignore the voices in her head telling her that she did not belong. That she shouldn't be there. That no one wanted her there and she was in the way. That her otherness was a waste of space and that she just simply was not enough and never would be. I was in rooms filled with the most awesome women and I was completely and totally alone.
I was a hot mess.
I still am.
Yesterday's rainbow reminded me of the first one and left me wondering how I got to this space where the voices are winning. Where, if I'm being honest, they have been winning for months.
In a different life and time, this is when I would run away. I'd move. Quit my job. Attempt to recreate myself. But I can't keep running. The voices always catch up sooner or later.
I know the voices lie. I know, deep down, I am enough. But at this moment the voices telling me I am not are louder and stronger than the small part of me who still believes.
The voices won. I am still alone and stumbling about in this dark maze. I know that somewhere down here I will find Ariadne's string and begin to lead myself out of the labyrinth. Because the voices cannot continue to be scream my unworthiness at me.
I cannot permit it.