I'm not excited

There's only two sleeps until we get they keys to our new house and everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited. I have to truthfully say no, I'm not excited.

I'm pleased we bought the house. I'm glad it's almost ours. I'm relieved that it's almost time to move in (and move out of where we are now). I'm thrilled that I'll no longer have to think about the fact that my neighbour can most likely hear me pee. I'm happy that I no longer have to deal with my apartment smelling like pot because new neighbour is lighting a doobie downstairs (it's a non-smoking building, I guess she figures that doesn't apply to joints). I've even been keeping my old friend stress at bay for the most part.

But I'm not excited.

I'm tired. I'm trying to figure out how to grieve. I'm coping.

It was going to be a busy summer. We had trips planned the last week of June and the first week of August. Trips that we put money down on and would not be cancelling. We knew it was going to be an even busier summer when we bought the house and set the closing date for smack dab in the middle of those two dates. We knew it was going to be hectic when we decided to try to get flooring installed between the closing date and move in date. We knew all this.

We didn't know that my grandmother was going to have another stroke and pass away in early June. I wasn't prepared for it and I still haven't reconciled myself to it. We didn't plan on my little health issue the week after my grandmother's funeral that sent me to the ER for a day. (I'm fine. No, we still don't know what was wrong but I'm fine.) We didn't plan on the heat wave in the week before we closed keeping me from getting a decent night's sleep for a week (no air conditioning).

Life likes to throw the unexpected at you. I know this and overall I've been doing surprisingly well for me. No real meltdowns. I'm managing my stress. I'm not losing a lot of weight (perhaps a bit but I have a buffer). I'm a tad crankier than normal but at least I'm mostly aware of it (and apologize to Lee frequently).

I'm tired. I'd like to sleep. I'd like to wake up without having a to do list longer than my arm. I'd like to not feel like I was dropping balls because I'm trying to juggle too many.

I've heard it said that moving is secondary to the death of a loved one in terms of stress. But the end of the month I'll have experienced both this summer. I'd like to figure out how to allow myself to grieve.

I'm focused on keeping my head above water and I'm paddling forward. I'm trying really hard, sometimes more successfully than others, to keep the stress monkey off my back. I know that the next four weeks will be every bit as busy and stressful as the last four, if not more.

I'm many things at the moment but no, excited is not one of them.