Well...my floors are clean

And I have a good excuse not to do dishes for a few hours.

That is me looking on the bright side. Now I remember why this blog used to be called "Monkey Trouble".

It was a dark and quiet night. It was an unusual night in that I shut down my computer before 6 and just relaxed for the evening, a semi-rare event around here lately. I puttered around,  cleaned my bedroom up, did some organizing. Blogged a bit.  Watched some Biography channel (I'm turning into an addict). Read a bit. I actually ended up reading longer than I thought I would so it was just before midnight when I shut off the light. I rolled over and thought, "Ah, it's been a nice night. I should do this more often."

I closed my eyes.

Suddenly I awakened to a sound. I had no idea what time it was. It could have be 5 minutes since I closed my eyes. It could have been 5 hours.

Hmm that sounds like water.

Hmm that sounds like a lot of water.

Well, I live in the basement. I hear water in the pipes all the time.

That doesn't sound like water in the pipes.

Maybe I should get up and check it out. Just in case.

Plunk. Feet hit the floor.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Hmm that sounds like water in my apartment.

Thunk. Hit the wall trying to find the light switch.

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

THERE IS FUCKING WATER ALL OVER MY FUCKING FLOOR!

THERE IS FUCKING WATER GUSHING OUT FROM UNDER MY FUCKING SINK!

Open cabinet doors.

THERE IS WATER SPURTING EVERYWHERE DOWN THERE!

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Rip out the power cords on all electronics at my desk. Rip out all the power cords from the tv.

Call Landlord #1n. No answer. Leave hysterical message.

At same time run into laundry room and try to shut off main water valve.

Call Landlord #1 again. Still no answer.

Run into apartment to get towel so can try to get better grip on main water valve.  Call landlord #2.  He answers.  I am hysterical because

  • my apartment is filling with water

  • the main water valve won't shut off

  • I have no idea what time it is

  • I don't have rental insurance


Landlord #2 is up out of town. Asks me if I have a phone book to call a plumber. NO I DON'T HAVE A PHONE BOOK AND THERE'S A CENTIMETER OF WATER IN MY KITCHEN.Landlord lets me go to call plumber.

Call the mommies and wake them up cause I'm freaking the fuck out and don't have anyone else to call.  And they have a car in case Piper and I need a place to crash.  Wake up mommies.  Freak them out.  Find out it's almost 3am.

Call landlord #1.  No answer. Try again. Still no answer.

All the while I keep alternating between channeling water into the drain in the floor in the laundry room (there's also one in the apartment but water was going in there already) and trying to shut off the main water valve.

Water on floor is FUCKING COLD.

Run into apt to put on sweater and pants because I'm freezing my ass off.  Put on fake croc-type shoes that I got for Christmas.  They have a purpose now. They are my "my-apt-is-fucking-flooding-shoes".

Mommies call me back. Talk for a few minutes. Let them go.

Seriously feel like puking.

Call landlord #2 again. Tells me plumber will be calling me.

Miss plumbers call while on phone with landlord #2.  Spend next 5 minutes trying to get back in touch with plumber.

I have very little patience with plumber because by now my cell phone is dying (the battery sucks, the phone is 2 years old).  He says if I have a credit card (since landlord #1 isn't answering and landlord #2 is out of town) he can be there in 40 minutes. Fine. Fine. I don't care. Want my ovaries? You can have those. Cause right now I'm sopping wet and standing outside talking to you on a cell phone that is about to die and it's minus a gazillion out and I'm literally freezing my ass off.

Run back into apartment to once again look at where the water is coming from (this was done many times).  Am able to turn a valve and WOW! THE WATER STOPPED!

Cancel emergency plumber.

Go into bedroom and call landlord #2 and say water shut off.  He'll get the "regular" plumber to come in tomorrow.  He asks me what time. I say early because I'm sooooo not sleeping tonight.

Landlord #1 calls me back on my cell phone.  I call him back on my landline.  He apologizes for the phone not waking him up.  Odd. I would have thought he could hear my freaking out from across town but I guess not seeing as the upstairs neighbours don't even seem to have heard.

Grab towels. Start mopping up the floor.  Get most of floor dry. Clean out under sink. Take bag of trash outside.

Get more towels.

Throw out more stuff.

Use mop to direct more water down the drain.  Get more towels.

Move mats into bathtub. Wipe down laundry room.

Move dirty dishes from sink into large stock pot.

Mop down the cabinet under the sink.

Put towels in dryer.

Finally let Piper out of the bedroom where she has been locked in during all of this.

Moral of story: Plumbing things always happen in the middle of the night. Plumbers like credit cards. Check your main water valve to see if it works. Being a light sleeper is good.  Crocs, though ugly, have a purpose. Even if you are single it's always good to have a bazillion towels. I'm really damned happy I cleaned this weekend otherwise I would have lost a lot of stuff.

I'm a lucky, lucky woman. Nothing seriously bad happened. I woke up in time to save all the electrical stuff before the water hit it (thank you, thank you, thank you) (and um thanks for not being electrocuted...).  I was able to get the water shut off. My apartment is slanted enough that water only hit half of the living/kitchen/office area and thanks to the drains it didn't get very high.  Piper wasn't hurt (and she will tell you neither her food, litter pan or more importantly the CHEESE was injured or in any way harmed).

And me...well I'm a bit high strung right now.  And it will likely be a few days before I'm able to grip any thing in my right hand or make a fist because I think I bruised it while trying to shut off the main valve. It's red and swollen right now and it hurts to touch things even lightly with that hand.

Needless to say, not sleeping tonight.  I'd be getting up in just over an hour.

I mentioned to someone the other day that I really needed to mop my floors.  This wasn't quite what I had in mind.