Midnight musings*

So playing around on the internet over the last few days I've seen a lot of what I'm thinking of as "BlogHer Backlash" (caps included in my brain). I'm not going to link to any posts in particular because I wasn't there and maybe their points are valid and in any case they really aren't hard to find. As someone who has organized conferences in the past (hey, I bet y'all didn't know that did ya??? It's been awhile...) I do know that they can't be all things to all people. No matter how hard you try, some people will leave unhappy.

And it was only the second year for BloghHer so yeah, there is a learning curve - both for the organizers *and* the participants. Personally I think BlogHer has good intentions. I like knowing that there's someplace to go where I can address things I don't know and ask the dreaded stupid questions without being treated or talked to like I'm a stupid girl who needs to be told how to turn on a computer. I have to face that enough in my day job. I don't need it at "home" as well.

But what it leaves me asking myself is why do we do this? Why do we, that is us women, always seem to focus on the negatives? I'm not talking about BlogHer specifically but it is what has gotten me thinking. We do this everywhere. We look in the mirror and we see our "flaws" but have a hard time saying what we like about our appearance. We can rhyme off a dozen of our failures but struggle to talk about our accomplishments and often only do so when pressed. And even then oft times we do our best to reduce them. "Really, it was nothing," we say. And when someone does stand up and say "Hey! I did this and it was TERRIFIC!" we quickly get out our bitch-o-matics and bring them down. We pick out their flaws. We do our best to bring them down a few levels. To bring them down to *our* level...or preferably lower. Rather than celebrating their pride in their accomplishments we bring them down to make ourselves feel better about not acknowledging our own.

What is it that compels us to bring each other down? What is it that leads us to bring ourselves down? What is it about women who can stand up and say "I did good" that makes us feel as tall as thimble? Why does this happen every time you get a group of women together? When are we going to be able to hear a women say that and jump up and yell "Yay YOU!" and actually really mean it? And then say something about ourselves that is totally different but just as meaningful to ourselves as their accomplishment is to them and not feel as though we need to feel bad that ours is not the same as theirs? And when we are unhappy about things when are we going to take initiative, in the moment, to change it?

That's as far as my heat rattled brain is getting right now. And I'm thinking the nap earlier killed all chances of me getting any decent sleep tonight. And this is what goes through my head when I don't sleep.

*It's close enough to midnight to call it that.