Hey everybody, where did Mary go?

I'll be out of this place in less than a week. And aside just from the fact that I have awful roomies, I'll be happy to be on my own (and we won't even get into how happy Piper will be). Sometimes I think that I'm at my best when I'm alone. I think one of the most unhealthy things that someone can do is live in a place with other people and yet never talk to them. I feel like I've retreated within myself.

I've readied it all for her you know

It's one thing to live alone. It's another thing to live with others and yet isolate yourself. I feel like I can't even play music at a decent level without risking someone's extreme anger. I don't deal well with angry people...but that's another post. I can go for more than a week without seeing any of my three roomies. I know because I've done it. I can go even longer without saying anything to them.

Clean sheets incense a lot of fluffy pillows

I've been missing the me that I used to be. It's been a long time since I've seen her. Every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of her. When I wear certain clothes, when my hair is a certain way...I'll see her in the mirror and I say, "Hey girl! Where the hell have you been?" But she just smiles at me and doesn't answer and then a second later she's gone. Somedays I'll feel her inside when I'm walking down the street and she's just bursting to get out. I'll notice that I'm walking taller, with more confidence and I can see people noticing....

Did you check the bathroom the bathtub?

I miss my rocker chick. The girl that had moxie. The girl who pretended so much that she didn't give a shit what other people thought that she actually convinced herself of it. The girl who left home at 14 because she was't going to take anyone's bullshit. That girl has gone very quiet and it's disturbing me.

She sleeps there sometimes

Oddly enough I can't blame her loss on the evil ex (dammit!). She was there afterwards. She was there before. But she's been gone for a long time. I don't when exactly she left. I don't know why she left. But I want her back.

Water cleanses you know

I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore. And I'm happy to be moving because I'm hoping I'll find me. I don't expect to be the same me cause well, I'm not that silly. I wouldn't want to her be exactly as she was. That girl used to drink like a fish and I don't want to go back to that so much. I don't miss the shots of Jameson's. Oh damn that stuff is responsible for some serious memory loss (although oddly enough, did not have the hangover the next day that I deserved - oh how the times have changed).

Washes dirt away, makes new

Sometimes I wonder if she's just my survival girl. The girl that I have to be when all the chips are down. The tough girl for when times are tough. And maybe now that the chips aren't down and times aren't tough she's just retreated to beneath the surface until she's needed again.

Maybe she, maybe she, maybe she, maybe, maybe she swam away...