On Being Child-Free By Choice

On Being Child-Free By Choice

Date: 2009.08.27 | Category: Things I Don't Understand | Tags: childfree,childfree by choice,childless

I do not have children. At this point, having children is not in my life plan. I do not think that my life is being deprived of anything because of that choice.

Oh sure, I’ve been told many times by many people, those that know me and total strangers, that it is. I’ve been told that I’m young and that I might change my mind. I might change my mind. I’ve never disputed that. But for right now, no, I do not want to have children and if I never have children or want to have children my life will be just fine.

Most of the time I can ignore the suggestion that my life is empty and meaningless but as I was going about my day I saw something on Twitter that caught my attention. It was a link to this: Child-free Movement: You say “child-free” I say “childless.” The tweet? What would you tell the “child-free” they are missing out on?

To say that I wasn’t very impressed would be an understatement. I was pissed off and insulted.

I’ve read the post a couple of times now. I’ve exchanged replies with the author on Twitter. I get that she was responding to the suggestion that she is selfish for having children, which yes some people really do believe. Much the same way people have called me selfish for not having children. Only I’m going against a societal norm, which I guess makes me and people like me fair game.

My big problem is that the judgment against her was replicated. I, my friends, and so many women I do not know, were judged and told our lives were lacking because we have decided we do not want to have children. Sure, if you want children there are benefits to having them. But benefits are benefits only if they are something you want.

It was a slap in the face to women struggling with infertility because yes, there IS a difference for many of them between being childless and child-free. Their stories are heartbreaking and hopeful and wonderful. They are not moms, some of them will never be. Will their lives be forever lacking because of that? I sincerely hope not and I do not personally believe so but I can’t speak for them.

I don’t judge people for having children. If they make the choice that they want to have children and they are able to I’m happy for them. It doesn’t mean that I love every child I meet. It doesn’t mean that I’m pleased by some of the ways I’ve seen children behave in public and the ways parents have reacted to it (or not reacted as the case may be). I may not like where you bring your children. But do I think that you are selfish to have children? Most certainly not. No.

But because I don’t choose to my life is lacking. I am selfish. I will never know true love. I lack empathy. I will never learn patience. I will never know how wonderful the world is. In short, I will live a dull devoid life until the day me and my shriveled soul die miserable and alone.

I have friends who don’t want children. I have friends that have children. I have friends that are trying to have children. I have friends who have desperately wanted to have children and couldn’t. NONE of our lives are lacking.

I am so weary of the way women use children to beat on other women. Children vs no children. One child vs multiple children. Staying at home with the children vs working outside the home. They are all part of the same stupid argument, which is “Everyone should do what I am doing because it is the best and only right way.”

We all make life choices based on what is right for us. If you want children I hope you can have them and I hope you can have as many as you want. If you don’t want children I hope you don’t have them. If you want to stay at home with your children, or not, I hope you can do that. I support your choice to do what is right for you and your family.

Just back the hell off of judging me for making the right choices for me and mine.

73 Responses to “On Being Child-Free By Choice”

Jenny B 09/08/27 13:58

Amen! I always wanted to write a post on this but I didn’t want to deal with the backlash it would generate.

I cannot tell you how many people gave us this cr@p when we were child-free. And I firmly insist that we were child-free right up until we decided to change our minds. Nothing was lacking, it wasn’t because we believed “needed” a child or we weren’t “real adults” without children (which is how I think a lot of people feel, as if being 30something and married does not qualify you for adulthood until you squeeze out some kids).

I support anyone’s right to change their mind from being child-free to making an informed choice to try to have children, but I do NOT think that this is actually the right choice for most child-free people. Stand by your decision, your reasons are your own! No one can know your heart but you.

My best friend is child-free and I support her decision and would NEVER insist or assume it’s not right for her. I see no reason she should have children if she doesn’t want them. I see no reason my husband and I should have had children before we decided to. I absolutely agree with you, I wish people would stop bludgeoning each other with the child thing.
Jenny B´s last blog ..Follow the baby on Twitter

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I think that having children should be a choice, one that everyone needs to make for themselves. Right now, children are not our choice. It could change, it could not. I’m happy with our decision, and it’s not anyone else’s business. But if they are going to judge me for it? Yeah, I have an issue with that.

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patricia 09/08/27 13:58

Couldn’t have said it better myself! Great post.

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Thanks! Though I rather liked your assessment of the article on Twitter.

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Anysia (Booklorn on Twitter) 09/08/27 14:02

Sometimes I get the feeling that the people that are pressuring me to have kids do it because they want company in their misery. The people who have kids and are truly happy with their choices don’t seem to feel compelled to pester me to make the same choices that they did.

The inability to respect different ways of living annoys me more than this specific topic. It seems that some people get angry when someone exercises a choice that they didn’t.

I was thinking of this the other day with respect to social functions. I think it’s horribly rude to pester someone about having kids at a social function (or, heaven forbid, at work). You don’t know WHY people don’t have kids and for many it is a personal subject that should not be picked at by mere acquaintances in public).

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Chris@bookarama Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
When I was trying to get pregnant, I dreaded those questions. I never ask people that. You just don’t know what goes on in other people’s homes.
Chris@bookarama´s last blog ..Watership Down by Richard Adams: Review

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I know people who are being pressured and it sucks. And it’s not even that they don’t want children but when people are asking/commenting all the time it makes things difficult.

And like Chris said, what if you are trying and it’s just not happening? What if you are infertile and treatments aren’t working? What if you tried and you can’t? Why is that anyone’s business unless you tell them?

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Chantal 09/08/27 14:02

I totally agree and support the choices of my child-less friends. I mean, yes I see the benefits of having kids. But I also see the benefits of not having them. It really is comparing apples and oranges.
Chantal´s last blog ..The great wrap disaster of 2009

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I absolutely see the benefits of having children…for other people. And it’s not that I see not having them as a benefit for me, but more that it’s the right thing for me. Apples and oranges, I totally agree.

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Chris@bookarama 09/08/27 14:04

Loved this:

“I am so weary of the way women use children to beat on other women. Children vs no children. One child vs multiple children. Staying at home with the children vs working outside the home. They are all part of the same stupid argument, which is “Everyone should do what I am doing because it is the best and only right way.””

I get annoyed with people who think I’m practically abusing my child because I have just one. I would have liked another one but it didn’t happen. She will survive. MYOB, I say.

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
The “how many children” thing is really just an extension of this isn’t it? And for the record, I know many well adjusted only children. She’ll do more than survive, she’ll be fantastic.

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silvana Reply:
September 7th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I totally agree with this. This how many children is just an extension of all this. I have only one daughter as my husband desperately wanted one child and i didn’t want to have any but as i love him and knew he was the one i wanted to spend my life with I told him I would have the one and that is it. I love my daughter to bits but I still cannot escape the crap from other smug mothers at the school of 3 or 4 children who think i am so selfish for having only one. It is exactly the same as the comments that child free couples get all the time, it never stops.

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Mom on the Go 09/08/27 14:10

Thru 2 years of dating and 5 years of marriage, my husband and I were child-free and undecided if we’d ever change that status. My response to those people who shouldn’t ask but do was to point out that it seemed people who decided to have kids should have to be able to explain themselves since they were taking on responsibility for a kid’s life whereas our decision not to had no impact on anyone. We decided to have a kid eventually and now deal with people who pester us about why we aren’t having another. You just can’t win. ;+)

Your post was well written and non-judgemental of us breeders. (And just because I have kids, doesn’t mean I don’t have problems with other people’s kids in public. Sadly.)
Mom on the Go´s last blog ..Reid’s excellent vacation

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Hey, some of my best friends are breeders. More seriously though, I respect people’s choice to have children and to have as few or as many as they want/are able to. I don’t want to be judgmental of them. I don’t think we should judge each other’s family and life decisions like that.

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lunzy 09/08/27 14:19

why in the world do people care if you do/don’t want children?? Drives me crazy when people can’t mind their own business. I have two kids, I love having kids and I stay home. Is it for everyone? Heck no.

I tell my friends you really, REALLY need to want kids when you have– for the most part. If you’re not there mentally, you probably aren’t ready and don’t do it.

I have a lot of respect for women who choose not to have kids. Good for you/them for not getting pressured into doing something that isn’t right for you or your lifestyle. How fair would it be for the kids?

Nice post!
lunzy´s last blog ..It ain’t easy being Mean

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I think that some people love doing something so much, be it their children, job, etc that they get lured into thinking it’s the right thing for everyone.

I worked a short stint in a Child and Family Services office. I’ve seen what can happen when some people who don’t want children have them. It’s heartbreaking. Not to say that I think that’s what would happen if I had children, but I believe children *should* be wanted, not just accepted.

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Nymeth 09/08/27 14:31

Ugh, the thing about empathy is particularly insulting. Yeah, you will NEVER be able to empathize with someone unless you experience the EXACT SAME THING they’re feeling yourself!

Anyway, this is a brilliant post. People have told me the most intrusive, unbelievable things because I don’t want children – including repeatedly wishing an unwanted pregnancy on me. Walking up to a pregnant woman and wishing she’d have a miscarriage is, of course, completely UNTHINKABLE. And yet for some reason this seems to be considered socially acceptable.
Nymeth´s last blog ..Copper Sun by Sharon M. Draper

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
They wished you an unwanted pregnancy? OMG. That’s just…WOW. Speechless.

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Brie 09/08/27 14:36

Ah, I think I have figured it out. My bad.

Anyway, my comment is who cares! Kids, no kids. I get not having kids. I didn’t always want kids. I think if people don’t want kids they shouldn’t have them. Better to do it because it is what you want then because of pressure or the feeling like you should.
Brie´s last blog ..Bedtime

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Yay! Your comment worked! I’m going to work on fixing that thing you mentioned with the comment box (assuming I can figure out how to fix it…I’m not so great with code). Thank you for taking the time to comment even though it took you three tries!

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Kim Hays 09/08/27 14:51

Brilliant post. I appreciate your point of view on this.

I just need to clarify that I don’t care if people have kids or don’t have kids.

But there are good things about being parent that people without kids will never understand. That is what I was getting at.

Kim Hays

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Kim, all due respect but that’s not what your post said. And no, I may not ever know what it is like to be a parent. That is my choice.

I can’t understand things from a parents point of view, but it doesn’t meant that I and anyone else who does not have children, can’t understand. I can’t step into the shoes of every person, no one can. It doesn’t meant that we can’t emphasize with them. It doesn’t mean that we don’t see what a great world it is. To suggest otherwise is insulting.

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Kim Hays Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
It doesn’t mean that you can’t understand — just that you don’t understand in the same way. I can understand life without children. I lived that way for many years. That’s simply my opinion.
Kim Hays´s last blog ..Swine flu: Have a plan if your kid gets sick?

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Kim, you understand what life without children was for you. Its not the same for everyone. Can you really say that you understand *my* point of view just because you didn’t have kids into your thirties? Does that mean every person who mothers has the same experience? No, it doesn’t.

When I read your post this morning you painted all of us without children with the same brush. Yes, I do get you were reacting to something. Unfortunately that didn’t come out in your post, only in the comments and the various discussions that followed it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving and finding the joy in parenting. I love to read about people finding joy in their lives. But not when they are putting down others for not making the same decision. And yes, when I read “Here’s a short list of what the so-called “child-free” are missing” it read as you both judging and insulting me and many others who have made the choice to be child-free, minus the quotation marks that you seem to think the phrase deserves.

shell Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Kim, in your blog you challenged your “child-free” readers to come up with a list. That’s where I feel you went beyond just exclaiming your opinion about how wonderful your life with children is, and inferred (intentionally or unintentionally) that (1) child-free = childless (which it is not) and (2) that your way is so wonderful that we must provide justification why we are not mothers. Don’t be so surprised at the backlash.

Kim Hays Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Shell, I asked other mothers on the MOM blog to share the special experiences they’ve had being a mother with other MOTHERS on the MOM blog. I never challenged the child-free to do anything. I didn’t even say they should have kids, but rather understand that there are things they have not experience and will not experience or understand because they are not parents.

I’ve lived without children, I understand the pros of that lifestyle. The child-free really can’t fully understand the pros of having children.
Kim Hays´s last blog ..Swine flu: Have a plan if your kid gets sick?

sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I can’t tell you how much I was hoping this conversation wasn’t going to go *there*.

Yes Kim, it’s a MOM blog. A PUBLIC mom blog. On the internet. Last time I checked there is no rule that said that I, or anyone who is not a mother cannot read blogs about motherhood and parenting or have an opinion about the content of those those blogs and posts. Especially when they discuss the child-free.

Furthermore, it’s a post that you promoted on Twitter, which where as one of your followers I found it. I assume you promoted it because you wanted people to read it. It worked. Should I not follow you or any other mom on on Twitter either? Or should I just not click on their links and read their blogs? Or should I just not have an opinion about any of them? Does it then follow that you shouldn’t read or have an opinion anything I write here because I’m not a mother? Or how about because not only am I not a parent, I’m not American? Are all American blogs off limits to me and vice-versa?

You didn’t simply ask moms what’s great about motherhood or what they find great about motherhood that they thought they wouldn’t. No. You said “Here’s a short list of what the so-called “child-free” are missing,” and asked “What would YOU tell the “child-free” they’re missing out on?” As a non-mom how is that not directed a me and other non-moms.

The child-free commenting on this post aren’t saying they understand what it’s like to be a parents, the pros or the cons. They are saying that they choose not to because they don’t want to be parents. They don’t want to understand. And when they are targeted in a post, yes I think they have to right to respond and have an opinion.

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Phyl 09/08/27 15:20

And then there’s another variation on people urging you to have kids: “I see how much you love your cat; you’d be such a good mom!” Like the two are the same thing. I know lots of people who love their pets madly, yet make lousy parents.

And another big difference was that I *wanted* my cat, but *didn’t* want kids. Yet my cat became a weapon against me. It got really old.
Phyl´s last blog ..Jack Wakes Up – Grammar Girl interviews Seth Harwood

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Never had the cat used against me in that way. I’ve had some friends say, “But you are so good with our children. Why don’t you want one?” There’s a huge difference between caretaking a child for a few hours or helping out a friend when you are together versus full-time parents. A world of difference.

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deegee 09/08/27 15:22

“I have friends who don’t want children. I have friends that have children. I have friends that are trying to have children. I have friends who have desperately wanted to have children and couldn’t. NONE of our lives are lacking.”

Sassymonkey, do you have any friends who have kids but wished they hadn’t had them like the thousands of parents who wrote Ann Landers back in the 1970s they would not have had kids if they could “do it all over again?”

This group of people is the one whose views should be heard more.

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Deegee – I don’t know anyone personally, no. Only anecdotally. Or through the parents I met when I worked with at-risk teens, some of whom who very much “not wanted.” (Heartbreakingly so.) But if you know anyone who has blogged about it I’d love to read it.

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Chickenpig 09/08/27 16:45

This is a very thoughtful response to a blog entry that I found,( to be frank, Kim), not very thoughtful or well thought out.

My husband and I were child-free for years. We didn’t want children. We knew this about each other on our very first date. But over time, different things happened to me and situations changed so that I began to seriously re think my decision. I was afraid to even bring it up with my husband because to be honest, I wanted him in my life more than I wanted children. We did eventually end up with children, although it was a long and painful road. Ironically, once we started trying (at 30 yrs for us, 4 years into our marriage) we found that infertility stood in our way.

The long and the short of this comment is that the decision to have children, or not, is a deeply personal one. Those who enter parenthood willingly do so because they have an idea, for right or for wrong, what parenthood will be like. Those who decide not to have children have their own perfectly legitimate, and well thought out, reasons for remaining child free. I don’t understand why people can’t respect other people’s decisions. I made mine, but I don’t feel the need to tell anyone why I did so. I certainly would never tell people all the things they might be missing. Then I would have to be honest, with them and myself. I desperately wanted to have children, now I do, but parenthood hasn’t always been kind to me. Parenthood certainly isn’t for everyone.

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I think those situations are the most hard, when two people think they don’t want children and then one changes their mind. And then infertility? Oy. I can’t even imagine how difficult that was.

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Drell 09/08/27 17:58

Sassy, great answer to an insulting, thoughtless, beyond rude post from Kim. I’ve commented on it on the original website and would like to emphasizehere again that IMO people like Kim are simply jealous. All that talk about “childfree people don’t understand”, “missing out”, etc. is just a way to mask their anger about us CF who are able to live a life that they will never have. Those parents who are happy with their choice to have kids are like ‘Mom on the Go’, non-judgemental and respectful towards people who choose a different lifestyle. Unfortunately, it seems that kind of open-minded, happy parents is mostly a silent majority, whereas the hateful and very vocal minority consists solely of people like Kim Hays.

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Kim Hays Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I always love the jealous response, btw. I write a blog about being a mom for other moms. I’ve had the child-free life already, and am much happier now, thank you very much.
Kim Hays´s last blog ..Swine flu: Have a plan if your kid gets sick?

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Drell, I don’t think Kim is jealous. I think she honestly thinks that having children is a wonderful experience for her and believes it would be for many of us who are child-free. Even more so after following the comments on some of the other posts I mentioned and seeing that she struggled with infertility. She really wanted to have children and now is thrilled to be a mother. I get that. It doesn’t follow that it would be wonder for me, or for you or many others however.

Unfortunately the joy the she finds in motherhood wasn’t the take away from her post for many people and taken at face value, I can see how someone could come to the assumption that you did. There was anger there, but again based on the conversations I’ve followed I’m led to believe it stems from something she read from someone who is child-free who believes that no one should have children. Ever. None! Again, unfortunately that did not come out in her post.

I don’t agree with some of the things she said in her post nor do I agree with some of the things she’s said since then, but I really do not believe she’s jealous of people who are child-free.

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Drell Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I still think she’s totally jealous. That comment about not having slept for 2 years and not having bought new clothes screams ‘jealous’ to me.
Obviously she misses the ‘childfree’ life she claims she had and is now pissed that it’s over for her. Seriously, why should anyone who is so happy with his /her choices feel the need to put others down? She sounds exactly like someone who claims to be so happy to not be a rich and famous person because OMG being rich and famous isn’t great. Yeah right.

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tanabata 09/08/27 21:41

Hear hear! What are the child-free missing out on? Dirty diapers, no sleep, no money because it’s all spent on stuff for the kids… ok, I’m joking.

But seriously, having a child just because society dictates that you “should” is so not a good reason. It should be a personal choice. I have friends who have kids, friends who don’t have kids and I respect all of them because they are doing what’s right for them.

Personally we are child-free by choice and I know I’ll never change my mind. My husband and our cats are enough children for me. But why should anyone else judge me based on that?
tanabata´s last blog ..‘Beyond the Blossoming Fields’

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Tanabata, it’s a very personal choice that people make for many reasons. And yes, it’s an assumption that people will have children. I’ve never been good a living my life according to people’s assumptions.

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tanabata Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:14 am
LOL. Me neither. In Japan marriage still pretty much means housewife + kids. We don’t talk about our decision here because sadly very few would understand.
tanabata´s last blog ..‘Beyond the Blossoming Fields’

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Kim Hays 09/08/27 22:44

Unfortunately, the child-free who aren’t as polite as you have weighed in. I doubt I’ll be changing my opinion anytime soon.

http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/read.php?2,91626,91646,quote=1

MOO!
Kim Hays´s last blog ..Swine flu: Have a plan if your kid gets sick?

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Kim, I AM CHILD-FREE. Yes, child-free. Yes, that is what I call myself.

Do I agree with the link that you just listed? No, I do not. And neither to many people who are child-free. Just because the people who wrote that call themselves child-free doesn’t meant that they speak for every single person who also calls themselves child-free.

Just like you don’t speak for every mother.

Why can’t you see it? Why do you insist on insulting ALL of us based on the anger that you have toward a group of some child-free?

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Kim Hays 09/08/27 22:46

And goodnight. Thanks for the engaging and eye-opening conversation today.
Kim Hays´s last blog ..Swine flu: Have a plan if your kid gets sick?

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Al_Pal 09/08/28 07:09

Here via a twitter link….great article/post. That article was pretty scary. I’m childfree, been with my man for eight years, planning to get married sometime in the next couple years, probably… & I figure we’ll either have kids in 5-8 years, or never. But it would have to be something REALLY desired, ’cause we love our current lifestyle!
Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings!

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Hi Al_Pal. I think that everyone needs to make choices based on their own lives. Good for you for doing that!

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Mom101 09/08/28 08:12

I love this post.

I could have very easily been child-free and I feel defensive of those who are, whatever they call it.

We all by definition “miss out” on one thing by making a different choice. Thanks for proving that one thing you’re not missing is #6, empathy.
Mom101´s last blog ..What are you worth as a blogger?

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sassymonkey Reply:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Liz, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate hearing from moms about this.

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janet 09/08/28 11:03

I think people who judge people for having/not having children are just as bad as people who judge people for being working moms or stay-at-home moms, or breastfeeding moms/formula moms….or vegetarians/carnivores. It’s silly – and pointless. Nothing is wrong with not wanting children! There are too many people on this Earth anyway, so perhaps not having children is the moral thing to do? I say that as someone who wants to have them….but at least I know there’s more than one “right” way to live your life.
janet´s last blog ..100 days of abandon

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I think it’s all part of the same argument Janet. Just a different facet of it. It’s a means of justifying your own choice, which is right for you, by saying it’s right for everyone. A bit of a best defense is a good offense kind of thing, except no one would need a defense if no one was on the offense.

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laurie ruettimann 09/08/28 13:34

Thank you x100 for this post.
laurie ruettimann ´s last blog ..F@%k It Friday: US Post Office

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
You are welcome x100!

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Melissa 09/08/28 16:42

a) Having kids is a huge responsibility.
b) Being true to one’s own nature is a huge responsibility.

It can be hard for some to accomplish a + b and give full attention to both.

c) Some people just aren’t well-suited to the special demands of having children. People I know who have had kids anyway have found it a rough road.

I really admire people who know themselves well enough to know that, at this particular point in their lives, they’re not well-suited to or desirous of having children. It takes a big, brave person to admit that, IMO.

Some people make better parents, some make better mentors. Having kids is something you can’t change your mind on once they’re here. I wish more people gave it this much thought beforehand and I wish *everyone* on both sides of the decision could be less judgmental.
Melissa´s last blog ..Bet you thought I’d forgotten..

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
I’m with you on everything you said. Having children is a huge decision, and a hard one no matter what way you lean.

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Kim Hays 09/08/28 20:00

I apologize to you and the other commenters here for my insensitivity and thoughtlessness.

http://bit.ly/xYJff
Kim Hays´s last blog ..EZ birthday cakes

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Thank you Kim.

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MDTaz 09/08/29 07:11

I wonder how many mothers have the secret wish (sometimes, often or once-in-a-blue-moon) that they had never had children. I know I feel that way sometimes – and when my kids were babies, I felt that way often. Does that make me a bad mother? Or just an honest one?

I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of women who are so opinionated (and vocal) about the wonders of motherhood aren’t overcompensating for a bit of guilt about what they maybe aren’t prepared to admit to themselves? A little of the lady doth protest too much…

I have children, but I like to feel child-free whenever I can. I’m most grateful for my child-free friends who make sure I remember how that feels. They indulge a bit of kid talk, but otherwise pull me into the rest of the world. I always return to my family refreshed. Grass is green on every side, if you let it be.
MDTaz´s last blog ..On the Road

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I think more than a secret wish we all fall to the “what if” moments. We don’t so much wish our current lives away but we wonder what would have happened if we decided this or hadn’t done that.

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Ryane 09/08/29 13:24

What really bugs me is the holier-than-thou attitude some women (not all), but some adopt once they become mothers. Like somehow, because they had sex and it resulted in a baby, their lives have been exaulted to a higher plain or echelon than us plebes who truck around in the dating pool. I want kids, but only with the right man and under the right circumstances. If that circumstance doesn’t come along, I refuse to feel like a failure because as far as I am concerned, choosing NOT to have a kid with the wrong man is the smartest, kindest, and wisest parenting choice I will ever make – whether I become a mother or not.

Great post.

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Maybe it’s just my experience but the people with the holier-than-though attitudes rarely limit it to just motherhood. It just happens to be their chosen topic at that moment.

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Oh and this “as far as I am concerned, choosing NOT to have a kid with the wrong man is the smartest, kindest, and wisest parenting choice I will ever make – whether I become a mother or not.” Awesome. Because that absolutely IS a parenting decision.

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Suzanne 09/08/31 14:41

Sorry I am adding very late to the discussion, but I think this is very well written and expresses how I feel regarding the topic, except far more eloquently. Thank you for taking this on.
Suzanne´s last blog ..Helmet Head

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Aw. Suzanne, those are very special words coming from you. Thank you.

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schmutzie 09/09/01 11:47

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-68.html
schmutzie´s last blog ..Five Star Friday’s Edition #68

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Cool! Thanks Schmutzie!

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thordora 09/09/01 12:44

I never wanted kids, and yet here I sit with two. Could the before me get it? Nope. And I knew it-I never tried to. Does that mean the Mom me should shit on people who live their lives sans kids? Nope.

I don’t get it, and likely never will. I’ve always wondered if feeling superior is a way for mothers to try and not feel like they’ve lost something-silliness, but still, I wonder.

On the other hand, I have some posts about mothering that have been used, ad naueseum, by childfree sites as “SEE! KIDS SUCK!” posts, and that’s equally infuriating. I don’t know why we can’t all just deal with the fact that different people make different choices, ones which are valid for each of us.

Your response was well reasoned and a LOT calmer than I’ve grown used to from many child free individuals. Thanks for reaffiriming my faith in normal people.
thordora´s last blog ..Little white house, and a room.

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sassymonkey Reply:
September 1st, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Yes, unfortunately there are people who loudly declare that kids suck. And I’ll admit, I’m not above sometimes judging parents for their choices (like the ones that took their not-school-aged child to see Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull when we went to see it, I thought they were insane and the kid? Totally scared during the *previews*!).

I do have some sympathy for some of the people who loudly protest that they need to have children. After writing this post and reading others like it heard tales from others who were told things like they didn’t need their jobs b/c they didn’t have kids to support, or they didn’t need a raise. Women who were told that they weren’t “real” women because they hadn’t had children. That would make me loud and growly.

If we stopped judging each other’s choices I think a lot of the yelling would stop, on both sides. Or at least it would in my fantasyland.

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ChrisB 09/09/01 16:48

AMEN!!!
Thanks for posting this. I followed the link to the website and left a comment just now.
“You shouldn’t tell us anything. As we should not tell you what YOU are missing out on while you are tied to raising your kids!”
Some people really have the nerve!
Personally I cannot remember one time on my life when I wanted children. It is ironic that I ended up with two stepkids. When my husband I got married everyone asked when we would have our own. Neither one of us wanted more. And we have lived happily ever after!
ChrisB´s last blog ..August Numbers

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p-huong 09/09/02 00:16

I want kids. A bunch of my friends don’t want kids. We often argue about having kids vs a pet. Usually, I point out how spoiled my BFF’s toy poodle is and say how at least kids will grow up and eventually pay their parents back. They usually point out children who act out in public and say, “Yeah, you want that? Two of them right?” It’s great.
p-huong´s last blog ..Sometimes my mom thinks I should have been a boy

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Deb 09/09/02 14:50

The problem I had with the original post by Kim is how superior it sounded. “I have these things, therefore I am better than you.”

She managed to imply that she was somehow better than any woman who chose to not have children, or could not have them for some reason.

If Moms had to deal with what childfree women do on a daily basis, she might just find some of the empathy she claims to have.

I am questioned about when i will have kids. Why I don’t have kids. I’m told by complete strangers I will change my mind, or I will regret my choice as I age alone and unloved.

Having a child is no guarantee they will be the end all, be all of your life. They are a unique and special human being with their own hopes and dreams. And in spite of all the love and support you give them, they may abandon you when you need them most. Just look at your local aged care center to see how many kids “take care of” mom or dad in their old age.

I chose not to have children because I have severe health problems that would likely be worse in the next generation. How could I, in good conscience, have a child that would be saddled with debilitating conditions?

How could I, in good conscience, have a child I would be unable to properly nurture and support because of my medical conditions?

I don’t think it makes me less of a woman, as Kim implies. I think it makes me an empathetic human being who would spare another the suffering I live with on a daily basis.

If that makes me selfish or wrong or makes me “miss out” by her narrow standards, I am okay with that. I know I did the right thing.

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Robin 09/09/03 12:05

This is a great post and very well written and well put.
Robin´s last blog ..My Childfree Mind

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Vanity's Fare 09/09/11 22:07

Good and thoughtful post — big topic. You’re brave and smart to tackle it.
Vanity’s Fare´s last blog ..All We Ever Wanted Was Everything …………a review?

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