Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

  • Chasing Dreams With Fishing Nets

    Date: 2010.08.26 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 4

    I know I’ve already said it but this summer has been one of change. Change begets more change. I can’t help but feel that things are in motion, that there are more changes to come.

    Some are beyond my control but other changes, those I can make myself… if I could only decide what the changes should be.

    I’m not a person with a five point plan. I don’t strategize or plot. I tend to be a bit of a floater, taking what life throws at me and either rolling with it or thrashing against it. I don’t have big dreams or goals.

    I often think that this is a failing.

    It makes me feel more lost than I think the people around me are. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing in five years. (I hate that question in interviews. Any answer anyone gives you is total b.s.) I don’t know what I WANT to be doing in five years.

    I undervalue my skills and knowledge and when I’m not doing that I feel like I should be doing something with them. What? Oh, that is the question right there.

    Right now my head is so messed up from all the changes that have happened that I don’t know if the things I’m doing are really what I want to be doing or if the things that I’m thinking of doing are really things I want to do. Yet I feel the need to movement — to do something, anything, differently than I am right now.

    I’m chasing dreams with fishing nets and I have no idea what I want to catch.

    *Rain Delays – Crash Parallel

  • Change

    Date: 2010.08.23 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 3

    This summer has been one of change. I moved. People died. Things are changing faster than I can keep up with them.

    I feel the need to DO something. To chop off my hair. To paint a room. To knock down a wall.

    I know it’s a reaction to the lack of control over many of the changes, but of the losses in particular. I want a change that I can control.

    But if I chop off my hair I’ll hate it within days. If we knock down a wall now it’ll take too long to really finish and it will stare at me, a reminder of the changes I cannot control.

    So I’ll watch movies. I’ll read books. I’ll pamper myself. I’ll not make any major changes for a few months.

    But I’d really appreciate it if this summer stopped kicking me in the nads.

  • Adjusting My Expectations

    Date: 2010.08.13 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 5

    Push. Push. Push. Pant. Pant. Pant.

    So tired. Keep pushing. Keep pushing.

    Taste the bile in your mouth. Feel light-headed.

    Collapse on well-placed bench and wonder what the heck you got yourself into.

    That was my first day running on the C25k plan.

    I tried to run too hard and too fast. My stride was too long. I had to adjust my expectations. I pulled myself up off the bench after 3 minutes, walked another 3 minutes and then started to slowly jog (not run, job). I shorted my stride. I slowed down.

    I adjusted my expectations of what I could do, of what I felt I should be able to do.

    I try to do too much too fast in so many areas of my life. I get disappointed and I let things fall to the side and frequently forget to pick them back up. “I can’t do it. I’m not good enough.”

    Running is a reminder to adjust my expectations of myself. I can do more (we’re back to that again) but I need to build slowly. I don’t need to barge in like a tornado. I need to go slow, to pace myself and find my stride. Maybe it won’t feel comfortable at first but it’ll improve.

    I did my second run today. I kept my pace slow and my stride shorter. I ran every run.

  • I lied

    Date: 2010.08.01 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 3

    I said that I wasn’t buying anything new for BlogHer. I lied. I bought a pair of shoes. To be fair I’ve needed a brown pair of somewhat dressy shoes for awhile. I have a great pair of pumps but I simply cannot wear them all day. These shoes? I totally can which means I can pack one of the dresses that I love to wear and will be good in the air conditioning of the hotel. (I also bought another pair of totally dressy heels that I am probably not taking with me but I had to buy because they were the most comfortable heels ever and I couldn’t leave them there even though I feel totally guilty for having bought them because, hello! House!)

    I also bought some jewelry (cheap, because that’s the way I roll) and a little bag that is just big enough to hold my iPhone (as if it will be out of my hand, hahaha), my ID and a bit of cash (or drink tickets).

    Y’all will still have to live with my roots showing as I’m still not getting my hair done. I think you’ll survive.

    Now if someone wants to come pack for me that’s be just dandy.

  • In bullet points

    Date: 2010.07.29 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 4

    Because it’s the only way I’ll get anything written here:

    • We moved! We own a house! We have new pretty floors upstairs. No I don’t have pictures. Yet. I will. Eventually.
    • It’s been a heck of a summer and I kind of want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a month.
    • But I can’t, because we are going to New York.
    • For BlogHer’10! Yay BlogHer!
    • I’ve never been to NYC better and neither has Lee.
    • We are going early and staying after, thinking that we’d have all this time to play tourist. Reality? We have 2.5-3 days to play tourist. That suddenly seems like nothing.
    • I keep reading posts about BlogHer prep. My BlogHer prep consists of unpacking my clothes and putting them in my new closet so that I can then pack them. If you are lucky I might iron things. You do not need to buy new clothes for BlogHer.
    • In addition to not buying new clothes I am also not a. getting my hair done (I don’t have time, also spent the money on new business cards and stickers) b. freaking about what shoes to bring (much, I’m worried about bringing appropriately comfy shoes that won’t give me blisters when I’m playing tourist) c. getting a pedi/mani/whatever because I never do.
    • Lee has a party pass. He is stupidly excited that one of the parties is the Cheeseburger Party. It’s exactly what you think it is but with more people wearing McDonald’s bags on their heads.
    • We have no idea what we are going to see in NYC. We know we won’t be doing much shopping. We’ll see what we see and be fine with it just as long as one of those things is the Museum of Natural History (otherwise I shall have a fit).
    • I ordered my stickers and business cards at the last minute. Business cards will make it in time. Stickers? Maybe. I’ve got a 50/50 chance at this point.
    • I’m behind in pretty much everything and so freaked out about being behind in everything that I actually can’t get anything done. It’s a vicious cycle.
    • I like bed. I’d like to be in bed right now.
    • There is a maybe stray cat at our new place. We’re not sure if he (we think it’s a he) has a home or not. Seems to be well fed, only a little skittish and likes to hang out on our front porch and desk. He occasionally just appears out of the bushes. The fake cat does not approve and hissed at me to display her disapproval after she saw me petting the interloper.
    • Every day should have built in nap-time. Or at least an hour or two where you can do nothing or watch tv or read a book without the weight of all the things you should be doing weighing down on you.
    • I’m kind of freaked out that we have no idea what we are going to be doing in NYC when we are playing tourist. This is the most unplanned trip we’ve ever taken as a planned trip (ie. we didn’t just hop in the truck and decide to go somewhere).
    • I should be working.

  • I’m not excited

    Date: 2010.07.12 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 0

    There’s only two sleeps until we get they keys to our new house and everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited. I have to truthfully say no, I’m not excited.

    I’m pleased we bought the house. I’m glad it’s almost ours. I’m relieved that it’s almost time to move in (and move out of where we are now). I’m thrilled that I’ll no longer have to think about the fact that my neighbour can most likely hear me pee. I’m happy that I no longer have to deal with my apartment smelling like pot because new neighbour is lighting a doobie downstairs (it’s a non-smoking building, I guess she figures that doesn’t apply to joints). I’ve even been keeping my old friend stress at bay for the most part.

    But I’m not excited.

    I’m tired. I’m trying to figure out how to grieve. I’m coping.

    It was going to be a busy summer. We had trips planned the last week of June and the first week of August. Trips that we put money down on and would not be cancelling. We knew it was going to be an even busier summer when we bought the house and set the closing date for smack dab in the middle of those two dates. We knew it was going to be hectic when we decided to try to get flooring installed between the closing date and move in date. We knew all this.

    We didn’t know that my grandmother was going to have another stroke and pass away in early June. I wasn’t prepared for it and I still haven’t reconciled myself to it. We didn’t plan on my little health issue the week after my grandmother’s funeral that sent me to the ER for a day. (I’m fine. No, we still don’t know what was wrong but I’m fine.) We didn’t plan on the heat wave in the week before we closed keeping me from getting a decent night’s sleep for a week (no air conditioning).

    Life likes to throw the unexpected at you. I know this and overall I’ve been doing surprisingly well for me. No real meltdowns. I’m managing my stress. I’m not losing a lot of weight (perhaps a bit but I have a buffer). I’m a tad crankier than normal but at least I’m mostly aware of it (and apologize to Lee frequently).

    I’m tired. I’d like to sleep. I’d like to wake up without having a to do list longer than my arm. I’d like to not feel like I was dropping balls because I’m trying to juggle too many.

    I’ve heard it said that moving is secondary to the death of a loved one in terms of stress. But the end of the month I’ll have experienced both this summer. I’d like to figure out how to allow myself to grieve.

    I’m focused on keeping my head above water and I’m paddling forward. I’m trying really hard, sometimes more successfully than others, to keep the stress monkey off my back. I know that the next four weeks will be every bit as busy and stressful as the last four, if not more.

    I’m many things at the moment but no, excited is not one of them.

  • I need shoe help

    Date: 2010.07.08 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 9

    You see these shoes? They need your help. More accurately, I need your help in order to wear them.

    I have never, ever worn them outside the house and I’ve owned them for years. How long? Well…I was still living in Toronto. I think it was 2006. I’ve since moved them to Montreal and I’ve lived in Ottawa for two years now so um, yeah. It’s been awhile. I fell in love with them at the store and I still do love them except one itty bitty thing…

    The heels? They are rock hard. They are cut your ankles hard.

    I’d just toss them in a Sally Ann donation bag but this is the thing — they are leather. If I wear them in they’ll soften and I’m sure I’ll wear them every single day. I just can’t bring myself to blister and cut myself to get there. I know there have to be tricks for how to soften them up, I just don’t know them.

    This is where you come in. How do I soften these puppies up? They are too cute to still be gathering dust in my closet.

  • June and I are not on speaking terms

    Date: 2010.06.18 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 2

    First June took my grandmother. I flew home to PEI to sit vigil with her and then was there for the visitation and arrangements.

    It rained the whole time I was in PEI, clearing up to a beautiful sunny day when I left. When I got to Ottawa I flew into…rain.

    I’ve been scrambling around trying to smoosh a month’s worth of work into two weeks and I end up urgent care. Short story – we thought I had appendicitis. I didn’t. It was a mystery event that looked and felt a lot like appendicitis with a side of blood pressure crashes that had me oozing out of my chair (something they solved by putting me on a stretcher – fun!). I’m fine now. Really.

    But June, you are on notice. I leave for vacation in a week. I want sunshine and daisies or we’re getting a divorce.

  • Sometimes I do things

    Date: 2010.02.01 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 11

    Let’s be honest, I spend a lot of time either at the desk, on the couch or in bed. It’s not (just) that I’m lazy but the vast majority of the work I do is on the computer. I only work semi-normal hours. And most of my friends predominantly exist inside the computer (most of the time, every now and then I get to see people live and in person).

    I had been wanting to do more. What kind of more I didn’t really know but I didn’t want to do big resolutions. I needed something longer term. But I didn’t want to do another 101 things in 1001 days thing. Life changes a lot in 1001 days. After making my last one I lived in three cities. That blew a lot of what was on it to bits and I promptly gave up on it.

    And then Denise came up with an idea – 10 things in 2010. Each month in 2010 she is making a list of 10 things she wants to get done. Some are practical things, some are fun things.

    It works. At least it does when you choose wisely. And don’t procrastinate.

    In my infinite wisdom I decided that one of the things that I was going to do in January was make a recipe from a cookbook I own but have not used. Easy, right? Except not.

    Despite the fact that I have 60-odd cookbooks I mostly cook from a few of them. There are a few I dabble at and two or three that I use frequently.

    I thought this would be easy. I try new recipes all the time. What I didn’t really stop to think about was the fact that when the recipes don’t come from the books I use all the time, they come from the internet.

    In January I’d guess that I tried about half a dozen new recipes. One was from a cookbook I use a lot, the others were all from the internet.

    January 31 rolled around. I needed to cook something.

    I sat down and went through a bunch of cookbooks. Nothing called out to me. Some interesting stuff but I was looking for something simple and something that we had all the ingredients for.

    After about an hour (no joke) of me and Lee looking through cookbooks we decided on Lemon Cake Pudding from Betty Crocker’s Dinner for Two. It’s lovely retro-y goodness.

    Lemon Cake Pudding Thingy

    It took all of five minutes to make and throw in the oven. Done. Item crossed off list.

    And the verdict? Tasty cake on the top, pudding on the bottom goodness. We might even make it again sometime.

    You can find my February list in the List Lovers BlogHer group. Why don’t you add yours?

  • Still Sick

    Date: 2010.01.06 | Category: Uncategorized | Response: 3

    Excuse me while I whine but I’m still sick and I’m really quite tired of being sick.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy to be out of the fever/vomiting/joint pain phase but I’m really, really ready for this cough to leave. This cough that causes me to hyperventilate and get dizzy. This cough that is keeping me awake all night (I’ve kicked myself to the spare room so I don’t keep Lee up all night). This cough that keeps me from being able to have a conversation. This cough that the doctor didn’t not seem concerned about and yet he gave me an inhaler (that seems to do jack shit).

    I attempted to go to work yesterday and got sent home, which really is a good thing because until I can actually speak more than three words together without dissolving into a coughing fit I really shouldn’t be around people. Plus I sound hideous.

    I’m tired of being sick. And yes, I’m whining.

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